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By Jane McIntyre

I would like to share my story with you, even though parts of it are difficult, because I know that being silent about such things gives evil spirits more power. I think that there is a reason–call it Providence–that has led me from a life without any recognizable form of spirituality, to the New Church, and that there is a reason to be writing this today. I hope that reading it will be of value to you, in the way of reinforcing the reason to cherish and grow what we have in this very special New Church community.

I think of my spiritual journey in a way that one would pack one’s bags and move to a new country. You have to take stock and choose only the useful things.

Let me start by describing the old country. It was far from being all bad. I was brought up in a loving home where my parents wanted the best for me and taught me many good things, including a commitment to marriage. There were only three real problems: it seemed to me that their love was conditional on my not letting them down; we never spoke about God; and we never spoke about sex. I did not have a supportive New Church upbringing and the sense of being prepared for life’s challenges, and boy do I regret it!

Without a foundation of God’s love and acceptance, something happened that I did not know how to handle. When I started high school a man who was a church youth leader and school teacher abused me. This event had enormous and invasive repercussions a fact which I understood only many years later. You see, I never spoke about it and just pretended it never happened. Today, 30 years later, I still haven’t told my parents. I thought that avoiding issues would make them go away. However, that&rsquots not the way it works. Through this experience, I bought into so many false ideas, which I didn’t even realize had anything to do with it. I saw God as a vengeful, punishing being, for whom I had not made the grade. Old Testament stories frightened me: I had visions of being left to drown while good people went off in the ark. I lived with mixed up ideas for many years and made some bad choices. At the age of 19, I endured the painful experience of having a baby and giving her up for adoption. I have since learned that this is a common circumstance for people who have previously been abused.

What a mess!

You can imagine that I am grateful to have journeyed out of that country. Meeting Craig was a key turning point for me, and I now believe that the Lord helped me make a choice of partner that I wasn’t sensible enough to have made on my own. I could not have found a husband with more integrity. I can honestly attest to the healing power of a strong, faithful, supportive marriage, and that’s even before our marriage was further strengthened by coming to church. Having children was another miracle that made me wonder if there wasn’t really a God, and a loving one at that, after all.

It was when we were looking for the right school environment that I knew I had to find the support for my children that I never had as a kid. Luckily for me, I’d met some good ambassadors for Kainon School and the New Church–people I’d met in the neighborhood who stood out as good, caring citizens.

I clearly remember the first time I walked into Kainon (New Church) School, and the almost tangible love and care that overwhelmed me. There was no doubt that I wanted to send my kids to Kainon, and I thank the Lord that we managed to get in.

A pivotal moment for us took place during a discussion with new school parents. It was just after 9/11, and someone asked Erik Buss, the pastor and principal of the school, a question along the lines of, "those guys are going to hell, right?" and I remember catching Craig’s eye as we waited to see what the preacher man would say. We were expecting the "Muslim Infidel burn in hell" rhetoric. Well, he caught us completely off guard! He gave such a refreshing answer, Craig and I looked at each other: what kind of Christianity is this, that’s not judgmental? Wow! This is interesting! We had no idea that such a way of thinking existed. That triggered my decision to come to church to hear more. I must say, it took several weeks to pluck up the courage to get ready on a Sunday morning and announce to my husband that I was off to church. Church? Yes, church! Craig followed three weeks later, and now the habit of church on a Sunday is one that we can&rsqo;t do without.

A traumatic yet very significant thing happened only two weeks after I started coming to church. I believe it to be Providence that now that I had found the environment to introduce spirituality into my life, I was faced with the challenge of dealing with the falsities I had bought into all those years ago. Twentyseven years after having been sexually abused, and yet only two weeks after starting to come to church, I walked into a room in our neighborhood and saw the perpetrator. This event opened the floodgates for a long, painful healing process. It’s sad that for all those 27 years, I had thought the abuse must have been my fault.

Now that I realized whose fault it really was, I felt obliged to warn Erik about this person possibly having access to our children, and in the process I found a pastor who has been a pillar of support to me. I finally learned to recognize false ideas and false gods for what they are, and to move forward. On this journey, I can never be grateful enough to have had Erik as my steadfast compass to show me true North. He and his wife Ann have become exceptional friends, who continue to have a major impact on our lives.

It has been really interesting to see the power of new daily habits, from saying a blessing at dinner to reading the Word, and I now know that whatever is worth doing has to become a part of the fabric of living every single day if it is to be done at all. Having had an experience of both spiritual countries – with and without active spirituality – we are consciously choosing the habits that really work for us. I have finally made my peace with the Old Testament, because now I see the Lord through different eyes, and because I now can take it for its deeper meaning rather than at its seemingly brutal face value. Far from being about to leave me behind, the Lord really does love me unconditionally. I understand the power of choosing Love instead of Fear and Guilt. This realization and these new habits have brought about a sense of internal purpose and peace, and a shift in what is really important in life. There are some unexpected treasures in New Church doctrine, such as true Christian marriage being forever. What a beautiful gift! I would love to share life forever with Craig. I still face some challenges in the Writings that are problematic for me, but for the first time, my life does make sense, and I am aware of the various pieces of the puzzle fitting together. A special piece of that puzzle is still falling into place with the baby girl I gave up for adoption. I’m getting to know Angela as an adult, and hoping to find a way to be a positive force in her life.

Craig and I are so grateful that we are able to give our kids the one gift we value more than anything else we could do for them, and that is, to send them to Kainon School and to bring them up within a community that lives according to the Lord’s values. I know that they will face challenges in their lives, albeit different ones, but I am confident that they are in a better position to handle them than I was. That’s not to say that we don’t still face parenting challenges, especially with the things kids can be exposed to today, be it through the Internet, cellphones or just people with different values. I will do all in my power to protect and prepare my children, and am deeply grateful for the foundation that the New Church has provided. For better or worse, we’re here to stay, so thank you to the New Church for being a powerful catalyst in changing our lives.