by Kara Tennis

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The honest truth of what you appreciate about a person you love can be a means for heartfelt reconnection. Gary started the tradition of birthday affirmations in our nuclear family, and we extended it to larger family get-togethers. The idea is that everyone who wants to can say something they love about the honoree, which that person is supposed to accept without comment. This small ritual can bring up unexpected consciousness, like the embarrassment of quietly letting in a compliment; the need for directness and authenticity; the challenge of seeing familiar people in fresh ways; the vulnerability of speaking from the heart; the impulse toward evasion or sarcasm; or the desire to take refuge in generic statements.

We've been doing this for so many years that the extended family has gotten kind of tired of it. Our own family still likes it, and often finds it really touching. One of our favorite memories was when our youngest, age five at the time, first told his 12-year-old brother Bron to plug his ears, and then appreciated his other brother, Ryan (then 15), for not being as annoying as Bron. We also have to rein Gary in sometimes, because he tends to want to say three or four appreciations before others have had a chance to say one.

Another thing we enjoy, if the birthday boy or girl has chosen to celebrate by going out to eat, is doing a loud, long, embarrassing rendition of the birthday song, with harmony, at the restaurant.