Changing Lives: "We don't have to accept what hell has chosen for us."
I grew up in the inner city. You see such hopelessness in people there—the darkness in people’s eyes. You see how children are hurting, without the love they want to feel. You see how women dress, trying to be attractive—to get the love they desire. All the while, people don’t know that the love they’re seeking is from the Lord.
It’s heartbreaking, because I used to be like that. People don’t have to have anything outwardly wrong; they don’t have to be on drugs. It’s the inward struggle that kills; it’s that war inside you that you don’t understand. The Word will teach you that you are free, but back then, I didn’t know about free will.
There was a lot of turmoil in my life. My mother was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic, so I couldn’t speak to her like I wanted to. My father wanted good things for us and tried to be a strong part of our lives.
I had so many questions as I was growing up, but in the Catholic church I attended, you didn’t ask questions. You just had to have faith and believe what the priest teaches.
When I was a child, I would often get to church early, before anybody was there. I would look up at the altar and pray for Jesus to come down so I could see Him. Looking back, I think of the prayers I prayed when I didn’t truly know Him—when I thought of Him as three People, not knowing whether to pray to the Father or to the Son or to the Holy Spirit—and I can see how my understanding of the Word and the Lord was very cloudy. The teachings of the New Church have allowed me to see Him. Now the clouds are not as dark as they used to be.
As a young mother, I often wondered what my purpose was. My kids were small, and I was in a mentally abusive relationship. Growing up, I’d been taught to turn the other cheek. I took a lot of stuff that I now know was not from the Lord. I didn’t know how to separate the good from evil, to protect myself.
When people harmed me, I thought I should feel hate for them. My grudges had built up. I didn’t think that it hurt anyone outside of myself, because everything I felt was inside. I didn’t know how much I was harming myself, how I was harming my children, how I was harming the community, by harboring that rage and that pain. It was an inward hell. Since then, the Heavenly Doctrines have taught me that there is a war that’s going on in my spirit between good and evil. I just didn’t know how to fight the war.
I’d always told my kids how important it was to be in church—how important it was to do good things for the Lord. When my youngest child, Marcus, was about to graduate, the church I attended had a change in priests. Marcus and I went up to the choir loft where we could view the congregation and the priest. Suddenly, it was like I was looking at my past. I started paying more attention to what the priest was saying, and I started feeling discontent. I decided to look for better answers to my questions.
Marcus and I left that church and started seeking the Lord. It was like a journey. We got in the car on Sundays and drove. We would go from church to church, having conversations with the people there. The car became a home because the house we lived in had so much torment. We did this for two years, and all the while there was something missing, but we couldn’t put our finger on it.
While on this journey, I woke up one morning with terrible back pain. The only thing I could do was lay on the floor. The doctor told me I had muscle spasms that would pass and gave me some medicine for the pain.
I propped myself in front of our TV at home, and I watched until I couldn’t watch anymore. I turned off the TV and started reading the Word. I couldn’t put it down. After that, Marcus used to bring his friends home and we would study the Word, right there on the floor. The Lord was calling me to Him.
One memorable day, I went to McDonalds. A man came in who had done something to me, and I looked at him, full of hatred. I know I looked like a monster. Two preachers were sitting nearby, and I overheard the things one preacher was saying to the other. It was on the subject of what I was going through.
I went to the preacher as I was leaving, and thanked him for the words he spoke.
He said, “Oh, that’s the Lord.” That was the first time I was introduced to Brother Miller.
He spoke words about my life, and I asked, “How do you know these things about me?”
“It’s the Lord,” he said. He gave me homework—to go read from the Word. I walked out of McDonalds baffled, wondering what in the world had happened. I got in my car, and I couldn’t wait to get home and read the Scriptures.
I started going to “The Church of Truth” where Brother Miller served as pastor. I wanted Marcus to accept this so badly because we had traveled so far together on this journey. We were on this path together. After a while, he started coming to church with me.
I was introduced to the teachings of the New Church, and it was like I was in a foreign land. I tried to read the books, and it was difficult. I would read them over and over and over again.
I used to think that a blessing is when you get a car or a house—when there’s something that happens in the physical world. The Lord says that His kingdom was not of this world. I’d never understood that. All that time, Marcus and I were seeking the Lord in the world, not inwardly.
The Lord brought me out of that materialistic way of thinking. He showed me that the more I repent—the more I lay down that love of self and the love of the world—the more He can reveal Himself to me and bless me. I see now that the best blessing is a connection with the Lord, with heaven as the end in view. This not only blesses you, but it blesses each and every individual you come into contact with.
We don’t have to accept what hell has chosen for us. Hell will come at you in so many different ways, and if you allow yourself, you could be overwhelmed. But the Lord says He gives us power to overcome. He will deliver us just like He delivered the children of Israel. The choice was mine. So I fought to come up out of sin, because I wanted to be a conqueror.
It’s a long process, not something that happens instantly. Repentance is not just saying you’re sorry. It’s much more. It’s examining the cause, turning away from the evils, and pressing toward a higher calling. It’s not being submissive to evil, and it’s not becoming complacent.
I’d never thought the Lord loved me much. I thought that there was so much that I had done in my life, even as a child, that He couldn’t love someone like me. Suddenly, it was as if He was telling me, “I’ve loved you all along. I haven’t been upset with you. I’ve kept you from the very depths of hell. I have so much for you.” I realized that He was always there. That’s so important for people to understand: He is always there, but it’s up to us to reach out to receive Him.
When I started on the path the Lord had for me, it was quite different than the one I’d planned. It’s changed my life. These teachings have freed me from pain and allowed me to feel joy. I know now that there are answers to the questions I have—that there’s something in the Word for me that’s going to change my life.
These teachings are not to be covered up and buried. They are to go forth and free the world. Some people in this world don’t know that they have a choice. So I leave with you a message: to press to get the teachings out. I didn’t know what love was, but now I do. The Lord has blessed me. Amen.
(Ginny is part of the Church of Truth in Louisville, Kentucky)
